This post is part two of three as we take a closer look at the one verse that defines Biblical trust. If you missed the first part, you can catch up here.
With All Your Heart
True confession. This is the part of Proverbs 3:5 that I have often have the hardest time with. With ALL of your heart. And this is why:
It is the middle of January, a few months after my last surgery to repair my carotid artery. The clock read 3:00pm and I knew it was coming. Right on time, the pain started above my eyebrow. As the minutes ticked by, it traveled behind my eye, into my right temple, down the side of my head, behind my ear, and into my neck. Throbbing. Aching. Relentless. This was my fifteenth migraine in fifteen days. In a mental fog, I walked to the kitchen to open the bottle of prescription medicine that offered only a little relief. I pulled my eye pillow from the freezer on my way back to the bedroom. I felt a few tears slip down my cheek as I resigned, once again, to go to bed at 4:00pm, missing dinner and precious time with my family.
The end of January approached, and the daily migraines continued. The pain was so debilitating, so frustrating, and it made me so anxious, that I cried to Tom, asking “is God just trying to make me wish for heaven? Is this His way of getting me to let go of this earth?”
No. He wasn’t trying to make me wish for heaven. But He was trying to open my eyes.
At that point, I had given God my trust over my life and over the fact that man says I maybe have 10 more years here on this earth. I was battling my anxiety over this and God continued to deliver wondrous peace. But still, I sensed I was missing something. Lord, what am I missing?
His response was this: you do not trust me.
Lord, but I DO trust you! Have I not given you my trust that I may very likely spend much of the rest of my life in a hospital?? Have I not given you my trust that I will die young? That I am not afraid to die? Is this not my trust???
And He quietly whispered….you haven’t given me all of it.
And He was right. I had accepted the fact that my diagnosis came with the likelihood of more major medical events. I had accepted the fact that there were many earthly dreams that I would have to let go of. And I had accepted the fact that death may come early for me. I am not afraid to die.
But I did not trust God with the two most important things in my heart. I did not trust him to take care of my husband and my child.
I wanted to take care of them. That was my job.
My heart cried out to God.
Tom is the most extroverted person you will ever meet. He cannot come home to an empty house. He needs me to be there when he opens the door after a long day of work. He needs me to listen to what has been bouncing around in his mind all day, to cry with him when he hurts for others, and to laugh with him when he finds joy. He needs someone to raise our sweet boy with and someone to grow old with.
And my Thomas. My mother died when I was 11. My brother was 5. I know what growing up without your mother is like. Lord, I know you took care of me, but no one can fool me into thinking that that is an easy road. Thomas needs me to comfort him when he is hurt, to remind him of all the things that only a mother can see about who you made him to be, to nourish him with food and love and laughter and back-rubs.
These are my jobs.
But God was right. I didn’t trust Him with any of these tasks. In my entitled mind, these were supposed to be mine. How in the world could I hand over the two things that I held most dear in my heart?
My family is the most precious gift I have, Lord. And you want me to hand them over to you?
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
Aaaah. Gifts. Given, to bless. Received, with grace. The treasures that we hold the most dear in our hearts are but gifts. Slowly, God softened my heart to see that these people that I love so much…they are not mine. They are His. They were His when He gave them to me and they will still be His when I am gone. They are only in my heart because God put them there. And He can take care of them far better than I can.
God wants it all. He wants every piece of your heart: what’s important to you and what you would sacrifice yourself for. He wants it all. There is no middle ground here.
If we want full peace, we must give Him every piece.
The day after I confessed my sin of not trusting God to take care of my husband and child, my daily migraines went away. I haven’t had one since. Not like those. Undoubtedly, migraines were no surprise as my brain tried to figure out how to reroute blood flow without a fourth of a carotid artery. But sometimes, God uses our circumstances to reveal a bit of truth to us.
Do we trust Him with everything?
As we continue along our journey of Battling Anxiety with Biblical Truth, this is our challenge for today: to place the entirety of our hearts in God’s hands.
Until tomorrow, carry on warriors.